To be so alone

This post is for a special lady who has been constantly on my mind for a few days now. I just can’t get her out of my head.

She was always known for smiling, and laughing, and shining a light on everyone else around her. She was the one everyone would turn to and lean on. She was the type of person who would go out of her way to help you. She was the one who would get everyone laughing again if shit went down.

So, yesterday I went and looked at her FB page, which I have not done in months. I just couldn’t before. It’s still not easy to do. The beautiful smile, the sparkling eyes and the photos of happy times. All the fun, and jokes and loving comments her friends had posted, over many years.

And as I was scrolling, it was as if she was reaching out, almost asking me to share her story.
No, I will not share it here. Nor will I mention her name. Not only would it be painful for those close to her, but it would be wrong and quite frankly disrespectful.

What I WILL share with you, is the deep despair, heartache, fear, shame and self-loathing that she must have felt. So deep that it ripped her to the core. So well hidden by her, and her beautiful smile, that nobody realized how bad it was. Nobody realized just how far she had been pushed. A few knew that she was a “bit down” but never, ever …

My heart actual aches thinking about her tonight.

The last post she made, was a quote by Erin Van Vuuren:
“There are four things in this life that will change you. Love, music, art and loss. The first three will keep you wild and full of passion. May you allow the last to make you brave.”

This precious woman is sadly no longer with us. She found herself in a place that so many special women have been. Women who no longer know who to trust, or who to talk to, or who to turn to. Women who have been pushed right to the edge. And when you are right on the edge, nobody really knows what is going through your mind. It’s a lonely, scary place to find yourself.

This is my post for you D.
I hope you are having one helluva party up there.
We all miss you so much.